Lives

The most difficult part for me while writing is to attempt to keep my thoughts in control, or even to be able to read my thoughts with a clear mind. It seems there are little devils playing in my mind and there is a impatient mother who is watching all this and getting crazier and crazier. Of course, I cant expect too much out of myself right now, but still let me try and pen down whatever the hell comes to me. I feel so happy sometimes. Pure happiness and that familiar feeling of a heart filled with hope and love. And sometimes so desperately heart-sinking sad. But I feel hopeful still. :D There are so many things I feel like doing. It seems as if I have just opened up a whole world before me. I can do whatever the fuck I want. The only thing that is gonna stop me is my own insecurity/ self-doubt. I am drinking and writing right now, and I think this is my best idea of the day. Apart from singing 'Tadap Tadap ke' out of tune. Although I told this friend of mine, and he said 'How wild of you' sarcastically. :D There are so many ties we have in the world, and we get so entangled in all those ties. It becomes difficult to think clearly, and to think of a life beyond the net you put yourself under. But there is always a world equally beautiful outside your comfort zone. The most satisfying thing is to Let Go. The Past, the hurt. Of course, it will take time, but I will learn more through it. Apart from all the fuckups happening in life, there was this incident that happened in office, and it shocked me so much. However, now I feel great about the fact it happened. It just gave me the perspective that everything is breakable. Also, that optimism and a romantic/ idealistic idea of the world is all good to think about, but its really not that great. The beauty lies in the fact that this life is so fucked up, and the fact that people are so damn crazy, including my own self. The worse can always happen. As a friend of mine said - count your blessings and carry on. My addition to it - Count your blessings, but be prepared for those blessings to be taken away. And just spring back, and continue doing what you love to do. There are so many things I feel like doing, but then I get lost. I feel so blank really. As if I am not sure how I should be reacting right now. Like in a limbo. Ghar ka ration khatam hai, saaman khareedna hai, office jaana hai, report banani hai, and aur bhi bahot saare bakwaas kaam karne hain. WTF. It seems that there is no escaping the mundane. No matter what kind of adventure is going on in your life, there is always drudgery lurking around. That is what upsets me the most. Can I not just go somewhere and just stay in a limbo. Or just stay drunk. Or can we have those machines from those futuramas where you can fit some wires around the head and erase memories. Or better, create some memories. Remove some of the unwanted, insert some fascinations. The saddest thing is I think so much about what people will think. As if it really matters. It does not. I just feel sad for myself for being so conscious. And I feel sad for feeling sad for myself. And how sad I have felt for myself in the past. What a fool. Shit, I wanted to write some happy thoughts, and not this. Yennyway.. Actually, I am feeling very happy these days. Rather, I am having trouble remembering the past, as if my mind has blocked it out. And I used to think that this is some bullshit by english movies. I feel happy just listening to songs, reading books, general chitchats etc. I feel happy thinking I am actually liberated from that dreadful existence, out of that self-trapped feeling of insignificance, that pain and anger. I feel angry too, if I think about it. But it is better to just let go.