Lives

The most difficult part for me while writing is to attempt to keep my thoughts in control, or even to be able to read my thoughts with a clear mind. It seems there are little devils playing in my mind and there is a impatient mother who is watching all this and getting crazier and crazier. Of course, I cant expect too much out of myself right now, but still let me try and pen down whatever the hell comes to me. I feel so happy sometimes. Pure happiness and that familiar feeling of a heart filled with hope and love. And sometimes so desperately heart-sinking sad. But I feel hopeful still. :D There are so many things I feel like doing. It seems as if I have just opened up a whole world before me. I can do whatever the fuck I want. The only thing that is gonna stop me is my own insecurity/ self-doubt. I am drinking and writing right now, and I think this is my best idea of the day. Apart from singing 'Tadap Tadap ke' out of tune. Although I told this friend of mine, and he said 'How wild of you' sarcastically. :D There are so many ties we have in the world, and we get so entangled in all those ties. It becomes difficult to think clearly, and to think of a life beyond the net you put yourself under. But there is always a world equally beautiful outside your comfort zone. The most satisfying thing is to Let Go. The Past, the hurt. Of course, it will take time, but I will learn more through it. Apart from all the fuckups happening in life, there was this incident that happened in office, and it shocked me so much. However, now I feel great about the fact it happened. It just gave me the perspective that everything is breakable. Also, that optimism and a romantic/ idealistic idea of the world is all good to think about, but its really not that great. The beauty lies in the fact that this life is so fucked up, and the fact that people are so damn crazy, including my own self. The worse can always happen. As a friend of mine said - count your blessings and carry on. My addition to it - Count your blessings, but be prepared for those blessings to be taken away. And just spring back, and continue doing what you love to do. There are so many things I feel like doing, but then I get lost. I feel so blank really. As if I am not sure how I should be reacting right now. Like in a limbo. Ghar ka ration khatam hai, saaman khareedna hai, office jaana hai, report banani hai, and aur bhi bahot saare bakwaas kaam karne hain. WTF. It seems that there is no escaping the mundane. No matter what kind of adventure is going on in your life, there is always drudgery lurking around. That is what upsets me the most. Can I not just go somewhere and just stay in a limbo. Or just stay drunk. Or can we have those machines from those futuramas where you can fit some wires around the head and erase memories. Or better, create some memories. Remove some of the unwanted, insert some fascinations. The saddest thing is I think so much about what people will think. As if it really matters. It does not. I just feel sad for myself for being so conscious. And I feel sad for feeling sad for myself. And how sad I have felt for myself in the past. What a fool. Shit, I wanted to write some happy thoughts, and not this. Yennyway.. Actually, I am feeling very happy these days. Rather, I am having trouble remembering the past, as if my mind has blocked it out. And I used to think that this is some bullshit by english movies. I feel happy just listening to songs, reading books, general chitchats etc. I feel happy thinking I am actually liberated from that dreadful existence, out of that self-trapped feeling of insignificance, that pain and anger. I feel angry too, if I think about it. But it is better to just let go.

Observations

Phil dunphy is so funny!!

Tea shop

I go to a Tea shop. And as I am about to enter, I see two boys, in filmy style starting from the bottom. And I see that one guy is wearing half jeans. And I look at him and see that he is the guy from my college who always used to wear such half pant jeans. So I say- I knew it was you. Somehow he takes offence, which I don't really understand. But he tried to ignore me and I am thinking maybe that was not the right thing to say to a guy. 

I remembered some more ( other disjoint) parts of my dream in the morning but I can't recollect now. It is just Gone. And the post that I remembered is embarrassing in a way.

Movie shooting.
Two brothers. Trying to leave from body guards. Smaller brother says he is elder And Later Those Guys Don't Believe The elder brother. These guy get an auto. They late become me and silky. And I am trying to drive the auto but the brakes are not working properly. I am trying different stuff to make it work. Johnny also there but he seems in bad shape. As if dragged along with the auto. Then I am thinking that we are living in the old Delhi house where there us lot of open space. But still Johnny does not go out. And I am wondering why.
School reunion. I am trying to hide. One of classmates has become some big shot and giving speech.

Killers

Gang war types people killed others. Mom killed a guy, another person killed a guy. MY RESPONSIBLY responsibility to save them in court. Very irritated. Then. I realize it is a dream and I feel relieved. Another dream i am traveling to Delhi. Meet like her bag .sonali .

We go to a guest house types, home stay. And there is a family there and we try very hard to impress them. So we take lot of gifts for them.

Back from flight

I am going someplace by flight. I sit in the flight and suddenly I get down and start walking with my luggage. After going some distance I realize that the flight didn't even start and I didn't even reach my destination. So I go back to the flight. Every body in the flight looks at me, as of asking for an explanation for my exit. I tell them that it was by mistake. I was in a dream and I thought that flight has landed. It does not look like a flight actually, more like a mini van with very few people. There is one hit from my college ( ajay bansal) and he finds it very funny. But then he says it's okay. Let's play some game. And tried to teach me some convoluted game where I've person will say something and you have to say something funny on top of it. It is not even funny. And I am thinking myself that I know better games than this one.

Suddenly I given a task to find out flaws in a train and somehow I am doing that by taking components out. Then I am in Delhi and I want to buy some things like gudpatti , rewadi etc. And I am trying to find shops. I find a ship and I am telling him the list, and then I feel like having a cigerette. And I ask him for wills gold slims ( I don't even know if such a type exists).

School with lake

School. A jungle with a lake. Hostels too. . We are supposed to run around the school, I guess for physical training. But students are lazy and some of us are hiding in forests while some are in their rooms. There is one girl disha who is her room on ground floor watching movies. School manager comes for inspection and sees her and goes bonkers. She starts screaming at her and hitting her. Listening this chaos, the girls on the top floor ( Priyanka Shukla and another) get cautioned and they leave from they room by backside stairs. However her shoes are outside so she s comes to pick them up but gives some smart excuse to the manager. And I see all this and start running around the campus which is quite big and sparse. But it is beautiful with lakes and trees.  I am running and I also get wet in the rain and I and I am just having fun and dancing. But then somebody comes from the other side and I get conscious and start running.

And suddenly I am in an apartment complex and talking to a school friend. Also I am wondering how come I am taking to this friend because I never even talk to him on Facebook. But both of us are taking very nicely. And them I realize that he is in the next apartment only and I can see him. The phone connection gets dropped so I shout and tell him that connection gone, let's talk later.

Neha had come to my house. And she is leaving and due to some reason, I am not able to walk her to the gate , so my sister goes. But then I suddenly  realize that I need to go too and I run. My sister is almost coming back and I ask her to call Neha to stop her. I go to the gate and I see that she is taking a reverse. And then I shout to grab her attention and my sis also calls her. So she stops. But when she stops, I see sheer is actually not on a car but on a bike. And it is very cool and classy, not like those over the top showy bikes. And I am totally in awe. And I ask her how come she is riding a bike. She tells me that it is more convenient. I like the bike so much that I also want to buy it. But I am scared that my parents will not allow.

In the meanwhile there is some sort going on in which there are two teenage kids- girl and boy. And somehow they are also trying to hide from the school manager. And they have small rabbit holes where they can comfortably hide. But I feel sorry for them.
Then I ask them to come to a pale with me. It was a small palace before but now last in runs. Apparently the owner is my relative and had sold off all good stuff and bought himself a new apartment. My family is also there. So I ask then also to sleep there and I realize it is my brother and his girl friend. And then I am telling them to sleep in different rooms. And I am also thinking what if they sneak out in the night. but my dad will take care as he wakes up many times in the night.
My mom is then telling me that dad is supposed to travel by train but he will travel in health quota and will get a good bed and a doctor will also be there. And then she is saying that chacha is so good that he is coming to our house by flight for only two days just yo see dad . dad unwell.

Student exchange program

I am going in a Bus ride, apparently go for a long time . we spot a tees shop ahead and stop for refreshments. There are scrappy lots of students in the bus, from my school or college . So we are actually going to a Czech school  for a covert student exchange program. Covert because apparently the govt does not know about it and the school does not want to tell also, don't know why. There are a lot of students. Plane lands in school. Some kind of exhaust in front of the plane. Two girls standings on front, acting unafraid. Then the plane tries to make them afraid by moving here and there little. Later the plane changes into a great bunch of birds. School tour. Good books. Teachers are handsome. One pair affair. They call us for class. Two students not coming. One rabbit actually. The rabbit changes to a girl. And she had brought some kind of object which looks like a photo frame but is a computer which can be used to create 3 d models. And she creates the model of the school.